Friday, September 04, 2009

feeling melancholic..

There comes a time in each of our lives to step outside our mortal bodies and reassess our lives. Have we done everything the way we wanted? Have we lived our life to its fullest potential? Have we any regrets? I think i've been feeling a bit blue lately because I want so many things (as in right this moment! - not too good with patience! ;-) but either reality has gotten in the way, or I simply can't afford it at the moment.

When i was younger.. i always thought i'd move into the limelight in some foreign country.. live the life of a corporate goddess, travelling and meeting people from all walks of life. for a time, i even thought i'd be the Murphy Brown of Malaysia. hahah.. After getting the scholarship to study english, i was seriously thinking about teaching english in foreign countries.. seeing the world and giving back to mankind... you know.. do my bit for humanity.

Then I became a teacher.. and i got married and i hv two amazing children.. and i dont think i'd hv done that any differently because it's my destiny. I love teaching, and family is everything.... but the reality is, as i'm sure every wife n mother will agree, that priorities have changed. now we spend our time, money n effort on kids and bills and what not.. and there's little left in the jar for traipsing the world on a great adventure! gone are the backpacking days in italy, spain and france... but they were wonderful memories.. ;-)

oh but i had a sweet lil escape for 10 days when i went to england. it was like finding myself again.. being young and carefree and able to do things that really pleases me... meeting ppl from all walks of life.. taking a calming stroll in the park, going to watch an opera and a play.. revisiting places i havent been to in years.. spending time with precious friends, old and new.. i know it was just 10 days of my life.. but it's renewed my perspective on life. i dont want to be a passive part of the living anymore, i want to Live Life.

right, so what's there to do now? i dont quite know the answer.. i guess i shall have to live each day like there's no tomorrow, dance like no one's watching and keep telling the people i love that i truly love em!!!! i love you all (do i sound like MJ?) haha.. and hopefully, fate has in store for me gifts of great adventures which i hv yet to unravel.. one day soon i hope.. one day soon. ;-)
i want to be drunk on life!

Be Drunk
by Charles Baudelaire
Translated by Louis Simpson

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it—it's the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: "It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish."


PengPeng彬彬 said...

love the quote in your post. so profound. if i sit and start to write something like that only rubbish will come out.. haha.

happy, be happpy... always and forever be happy happy happy.. haha

that was my attempt :P

Fely said...

Isn't it funny how we all feel this way once in a while. Always chasing after something and somehow overlooked what we already have. It's human nature of course. But what is life if we have no dreams to run to? We'll all get there one day Audrey. We'll all live that dream we've always dream of. Kids don't stay kids forever so when they've flown the nest, mummy and daddy can go out and play!!

tiee said...

i can understand the feeling cos we are in the same boat. haha...i too long for an adventure. But i guess i'm too occupied to have one. Yes to Fely. Kids dont stay kids forever. We dont want to miss every single moment of their precious lives cos one day, when we're old they would want to have their own adventure and i hope, that time, i can let them go. Some parents had all the adventures and neglected their kids. When they grow older, they yearn for the lost years and want to make up for it. Of course, we cant turn back the time. So, make the most of our lives now. Adjust; so the kids can fit in our dreams too. haha. Dont let them stop u from getting your own life.

ash said...

That's true what fely and tiee said. I often get down and hubby will cheer me up. I live a good life; 'retired' so young with a handsome sexy loving hubby and a kid who eats everything I put in front of him (very important you know!) and yet sometimes whine that I'm wasting away my prime. Well my prime'll be whatever age I'm at :P And you, my dear, are hardly wasting away. Can't wait for you to come here and paint the town red!

escape2 said...

i wanna get drunk too.

Audrey Wiles said...

thanks guys for the lovely comments.. like i said, just feelin a bit blue.. but hey blue is also part of the rainbow's hues... so i'm sure the rest of the colours will catch on and i'll be my vibrant self again! i can feel the colour infusing as i read all these great comments.. thanks guys! hugs all round!